I hate TJ Hooker

I haven't been able to attend to my award winning blog here thanks to TJ Fucking Hooker. Dickhead pulled me over 2 weeks ago for driving while under the influence of alcohol. He was going to let me off until he realized Color Me Badd was blaring from the stereo. Apparently I Wanna Sex You Up was TJ and Poncherello's song and when Ponch big-timed him for Detective Scully, he soured on CMB in a violent way. That damn Hooker really let me have it. Had I not polished off that 30-pack of Schaeffer (fyi, Schaeffer is the beer to drink when your having more than one) I might have faired better than I did. If I've learned anything from this nasty little episode it's this: I hate TJ Hooker...and that the deminimus amount of lead Schaeffer uses in lieu of hops, will in point of fact, lessen police brutality if consumed in such reasonable quantities of up to 360 oz.

I hate that Sportcenter Anchor...

At ESPN, working the Sportcenter job is like playing baseball at the Triple-A level, it's a holding pen for the also-ran's and perennially injured. Linda Cohn has been on Sportcenter for 37 years and counting which can only mean she is a no talent hack or ESPN is hell bent on torturing us in perpetuity for not upgrading to a package with ESPN Classic. Prick cocksuckers.

Every other major network has stables full of hot AND talented women. Why is this so difficult? ESPN is the most influential cable station known to man -- they have a market cap just north of France's annual GDP -- and they give us Linda fucking Cohn, a bad-hair Jersey snaggletooth so profoundly bad it makes me want to shoot warm tequilla through my nose.

Do you realize that LC has never, ever come up with a catch phrase, something even every other single sportcenter anchor, no matter how pedestrian, has accomplished. But not Linda. She's a fucking butcher. In 2002, LC had this interesting piece of shit to say:

Virtually every word uttered on the "SportsCenter" set is written by the anchors themselves. "I love bringing that up," Cohn said, "because people don't believe it."

Oh we believe it, Linda, we believe it.

I hate this automobile...

Who greenlighted this project? Seriously.

I hate that Wahabi Bastard...

I don't just hate UBL, I hate-hate him. I hope when you get to hell, you're condemned to an eternity of being sucked into the underwing engine of a Boeing 757 right after watching your 37 virgins convert to Scientology. Eat a bag of dicks you unrepentant motherfucker.

I hate that crybaby...

That's right, Monte, you're a dick. Anyone not know who Colin Montgomerie is? Besides being a colossal, sammich-eating dick, he's also a professional golfer who plies his trade predominantly on the European Tour. He is noted by sports enthusiasts world wide as being one of the better golfers never to win a major tournament during his painfully long career. Tough noogies, dick.

Two things stand out to me that make Monte so insufferable: his gargantan ego and his pathetic excuse making. Until you win a major, keep your piehole shut and hit the practice range. AND STOP MAKING EXCUSES YOU FAT FUCK! You are a professional and choking tournaments comes with the territory so be a man and admit you're terrible under pressure.

Yup, Monte's a dick plain and simple. Hated by touring pros everywhere, despised by fans, and even avoided by the media. That's working hard, not working smart.

Asshole Level: Dick