I hate thieves

The picture you are looking at is of some arrogant shirtbird camped out in front of my store at 2:00am in the process of stealing several thousand dollars from me. Whoever you are, you're a prick cocksucker who's going to get what's coming to him. And that is either going to come at the hands of the local police or my manager Marcus who every night is looking for ways to track this guy down. I hope for his sake the police find him first.

So if anyone ever reads this blog, happens to live in Gallatin, TN, and recognizes this little turd then let me know. Help me nail this mf'er and I'll hook you up with some free car washes and keep Marcus from beating your brains out.

Job Seekers Take Note....

Congratulations to the 7% of job seekers out there in the world. You are the proud, the few, the competent. To the rest of you I say, good luck. Having gone through another round of hiring for my company, I am terrified by the current crop of individuals that may or may not be graduating from either high school or college. The 93% percent of you are in trouble which likely means we're all in trouble. So if you jackasses looking for jobs can read and want some advice, please see following tips that could give you a leg up on your next application/interview:

1. Never wear blue jeans covered with the frosted outline of marijuana leaves to any prospective employer's place of business. You might as well be smoking a joint.
2. If you don't have a phone of any kind, leaving your ex-wife's number is probably not a good idea. She might not be aware that you are seeking employment and I do not want to talk to her about your lazy ass being behind on child support payments. Be a man and take care of your kids you shitass.
3. A misdemeanor or felony will not necessarily disqualify you from employment. However, advising me that you will soon be a "Guest of the State" will.
   
4. Part-time employees only get one kind of vacation...permanent vacation when they don't show up for work.
5. If you have a problem with $7.25 and hour, then sell your brand new Chrysler 300M or go work somewhere else.
6. When negotitating a job offer for manager-in-training, it is generally considered inappropriate to ask for ownership in the company.
   
7. Financial statements, by and large, are not shared with employees, let alone applicants. Kindly do not ask for copies.
   
8. I'll tell you when you will be scheduled for a shift.
9. If you are 18 years of age or older, you do not need your mother to accompany you to the interview and answer questions for you unless you are a deaf-mute.
10. DO NOT ANSWER YOUR GODDAMN CELLPHONE

Just some friendly advice so you can take it for what it is worth. Good luck in your job search, morons.

I love crazy people...

I guess today is opposite day in Hate-that-guy world. I received this resume in response to an employment add I have listed in a local trade publication. Bear in mind, I am looking to fill a general manager position for an automotive related industry:


This resume is from xxxxx xxxxxx for the following position:
xxxxxxxManager

Email: xxxxxxxxx@Yahoo.com
Address: xxxx West End Hghts., xxxxxxxx, TN 37xxx
Phone: (xxx) xxx-xxxx
Min. Salary: $0

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Royal Matron Of the Order of the Amaranth- (The wives organization of the Masons) the oldest fraternity in the world
My job descripition included, head of a meeting once every month for 18 months. I was to have fund raisers for the Order, an to send out cards for the sick members, an to attend and send flowers for furneals (that was a speciad requirement) to initiate candiditates in the Order, Head of Balloting on Candidates, an be head of a Business meeting each an every month. Also, to attend every practice for initation, an such other special meetings. I had to arrive especially early for the meeting to make sure the court room was set up for the meeting, an to make sure the banquet room for set up for the dinner before the meeting. Stay after the meeting to make sure everything was put back an everything was clean an orderly as it was before the meeting began. It was like being a CEO of a company. I also had to get out a letter each month to each member to decribe the details of the upcoming meeting an what was instore so that they could come prepared.

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I am afraid that I'm at a loss as to what to say about this one. I feel like further commentary at this point will simply ruin the beauty of this resume.

I hate the pretentious starbucks guy...

Could anything be more painful than listening to this guy while waiting to pay $2 for your morning coffee? He's always there, isn't he, boorishly waxing academic to his research sponsor about some random protein casing that he's about to isolate. It's tough not to lean over from the line and ask him if by wearing the coffee shirt he was trying to be cute or just actively exercising his virginity.

He's painful to listen to and you're embarrassed for him until you realize your blood pressure is pegged to the roof having only been in line for 15 seconds. 30 seconds in to your coffee run you're looking around to see if other eyeballs have spun back in their heads -- no luck, everyone is on a cell phone. By the time you place your order, the frustration is overwhelming and you crumble under pressure ordering a "medium" only to be corrected by the alt/rock cashier, "You mean 'mezzo'?" The cashier immediately rats you out to the barista with a telling, spit-in-this-guy's cup glance. For a brief moment, you've actually forgotten about the pretentious loud mouth until he taps you on the shoulder, excuses himself past you and asks the barista by name for a refill. Not your day. Tomorrow you'll get coffee at the gas station.

new hatin'

I am shocked that anyone would bother linking to this wretched piece of filth, but it seems that my compadre, Todd A, has thrown up a link on his much more substantial and better-written blog. Therefore I feel obligated to proceed with a half-assed update of a few new things that I hate:

- Fox's The War At Home
- All professional ice stakers
- Roanoke, VA
- The McRib sandwich
- A-Rod (the baseball player)
- Karen who works at Kinko's and has a HUGE fucking attitude problem
- Amsouth bank

That is all my pathetic mind can muster for now. Stay tuned for more outrageous hate getting throw around with reckless abandon.

Muppet

I don't know where in the world I found this clip nor do I know who created it, but it is pretty damn prizey. Click here for the muppet.

Gumby's Rule of Buses

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The greater the distance travelled on a tour bus, the higher the probability that someone will defecate on the bus.

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I hate minced garlic

Can anyone please tell me why a restaurant would want to add profane amounts of minced garlic their board of fare? Is it because it's cheap? Do people really like it or do they just have hemorrhoids for tastebuds?

I don't mind a bit of fresh garlic thrown in to spice up Mexican or Italian, but this jar full of minced ass doesn't do food any favors. I would like to appeal to all chefs out there to try and cook with some herbs and spices other than garlic if for no other reason than to demonstrate that you can actually create flavor using the main ingredients.

I must admit that part of my distaste for garlic in a jar stems from a bachelor party from which I was fortunately absent. The whole affair was a bunch of dudes cooped up in a cabin somewhere playing truth or dare, the kind of place that friends of mcdougals friends would be really happy. Anyway, one of the dares was for the bachelor in question to eat an entire wholesale club-sized jar of minced garlic. To his credit, he nailed the entire jar, juice and all. I heard second hand from his now wife that he stank for weeks from the garlic seeping out of his pours. The though of smelling like garlic for a week makes my huzz. Anyway, I fucking hate jarred garlic.